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ᙰ free Format Kindle The Gutfeld Monologues: Classic Rants from the Five ᚢ Kindle Author Greg Gutfeld 햫

ᙰ free Format Kindle The Gutfeld Monologues: Classic Rants from the Five ᚢ Kindle Author Greg Gutfeld 햫 ᙰ free Format Kindle The Gutfeld Monologues: Classic Rants from the Five ᚢ Kindle Author Greg Gutfeld 햫 The Gutfeld Monologues INTRODUCTION Now and Then, and All the Crap in Between Its a humbling experience to have written a book called How to be Right, and to then begin a new book by explaining how I got something wrong That something was, precisely, the election of Donald Trump Granted, nearly every other living breathing human being got the 2016 election wrong Hell, even Donald Trump himself wasnt planning on winning, according to some sources But I assumed Hillary had it wrapped upas did Hillary herself, judging by her lethargic behavior Instead of hitting the places that mattered, she chose to nosh with the most elite, out of touch person of them all, Gwyneth Paltrowwhich is the equivalent of making out with fruit bats during a rabies outbreak But yes, I was wrong on the election But oddly right about it, too How is that possible First, because Im the one writing the book here When you write a bookits absolutely amazing how right you can be, after the fact, about everything Note to young writers The key to becoming a bestselling author is to never write something BEFORE something happens always after Good example the Bible Second, I was exactly right on the issues that set the table for the most dramatic, surprising political story since Tracy Flick beat Paul Metzler by one vote at George Washington Carver High School in 1997 Look it up For the past five to six years, on the hit television show The Five, I would deliver a monologue on the issue that I found most important on that particular day In that monologue, Id address why that issue was important, break it down, and offer, if not a solution, at least a new way to look at itwhich is a solution in itself On rare occasions, I might have been wrongbut, like I said ten words agoit was rare Of course, hindsight is 20 20, a phrase I coined in the early 1970s My batting average was high, when you observe the repudiation of the previous eight years of governance before 2016 That repudiation was a reflection of the issues that I perceived as troubling during that period I knew what was getting on the average Americans nerves besides me , and it was stuff that the rest of the media ignored That was mainly due to the fact that I know what gets on peoples nerves for the most part, its me Donald Trump watched Fox Newsso he had a firsthand look at the same stuff I was yakking about Im not saying he cribbed from meIm saying we were both on the same page on a lot of stuff Not on all stuffbut on some of the big stuff Now, some of this introduction is going to feel a little like dj vu, especially since Trumps election may be the most revisited topic since the alleged moon landing But forgive me if we revisit it yet again Donald Trumps election was made possible by the willing disregard for the basic but important concerns of Americans. And the points that I hit home from that corner seat in studio D and later, studio F were all the kinds of things Trump understood completelywhich some of the other candidates gave a passing glance, or didnt hit hard enough Stuff like terror, police, bordersthese were issues that fell under the vision of a return to law and order, and it was that vision Trump embraced and espoused like a Fox News guest host in waiting a cross between Lou Dobbs and a Creamsicle It was that vision that made it easy for voters to overlook his numerous flaws As long as he was big on the big stuff, you forgave him the small stuff It also helped that he never claimed to be a role model In fact, I think at some point he actually said, Im not a role model Which gave him immunity when Playmates started appearing like Ghosts of Hotel Rooms Past, after he had already become president Who cared at that point He won And hes a cad Call me when you have something that might shock me Trump sleeping with a porn star is as shocking as Mike Pence not sleeping with a porn star Little known fact In New York City, its actually against the law if a billionaire doesnt sleep with a porn star Law and order the explanation for Trumps win I know, I knowhes the drain the swamp guy Well, not really He was first and foremost the arent our cops the greatest guy, followed by the lets kill the terrorists and their families guy, and of course, the very sloppy send those rapists and murderers back guy The biggest appeal of his candidacya return to appreciating law and orderplayed on three different levels It delivered on the aspirations of a population who want a safer environment for their kids and their kids kids It echoed the fear that the country was headed in a direction of divisiveness and soon lawlessness, then anarchy Fear always works, especially if theres a truth to it and there still is It delivered on a memory of the pastwhen you felt safer even if you might not have been And as a bonus, all the cops and soldiers voted for himwhich is always a clue about something vital that the chattering chuckleheads on CNN are missing These concerns were all but ignored by, and often mocked by, the media, liberal politicians, and their enablers in entertainment and academia And it was the marginalization of such concerns by these groups that made the concerns grow larger They were driven by these things A previous but at the time current presidents weird aloofness over radical Islam or was it aloof weirdness you be the judge, and get back to me The medias obsessive condemnation of law enforcementan incident of brutality was no longer portrayed as a bug in the system, but as the system itself An academic elite and coddled, shrill activists perpetuating the oppressor vs oppressed bunk at every opportunity An entertainment industry that harassed its dwindling audience by portraying anyone who wasnt a liberal as a bigot Inside this ideological bubble which Trump helped burst , the media trampled aroundhappily unaware that its ideas were wearing out their welcome, like a hospital visit from Joy Behar No one was buying their bullshit anyit just needed a loud voice to say so I was saying it every day on The Fivebut I wasnt running for president thats for 2024, folks and not the U.S Im thinking seriously about Vanuatu Those folks really get me In nearly every instance, our country is at fault for everything bad that actually happens to our country For example, when our cops got shot in Dallas, the media did its due genuflection, but always steered the story back to an intolerant police state that contributed to the shooting Sure, illegal immigration is badbut thats our fault for demanding a border and being so mean to Dreamers North Korea says it wants to blow us to bits Well, thats our fault for calling their leader a silly but highly sticky name This is a patternopen your eyes and youll see it Instead of calling out all forms of evil from terrorists to violent felons , we use our past sins to absolve them of everything wrong they have done Over time this malignant idea expanded and bloated like Harvey Weinstein in his Caverject period , casting a shadow over our countryjust waiting for someone to come along and pop it Like it or not, the guy with the pin was Trump The pin was a vision based on common observations about the world that rational people could all agree with That law enforcement was getting a bad rap, and without them wed be nowhere That Islamic terror is an actual thing, and if you cant name it, youre sunk That our military is overworked and undervalued and requires our very best care That a porous border reflects a shrinking appreciation of the definition of American citizenry That the Clintons should just go away Theyd become that piss stained old frat buddy who just wont stop doing shots, even into his depressing thirties Believe me, I know these people Actually, Ive worked with these people Hillary is the patch of stale carpeting in the basement that absorbed all the spills around it, and yet it never actually gets dumpedit just gets moved around to another part of the room She is the worst hire you ever made, and one you cannot fire because shes a friend of the family Shes the Democratic Partys exthe ex who wont let you move on, because she has nowhere to move on to, either Now when average citizens I count myself as three fourths of one hear this, they like what they hear I presented these topics daily Because I liked hearing myself say it, too But there werent a lot of people voicing this stuffjust me, and a few others who were slightly taller than me, if not as charming I can count them on a three fingered hand Then came Trump, who took the topics of a cable news show and made them into a visionary plank that carried him to the White House Now when leftists and the media one and the same usually, but theyll deny it saw this powerful message coming at them, their instinct was to place it in historical context Yep, weve seen this before they would scream, pointing to past racists who ran on similar concepts studiously avoiding all the racist Democrats, naturally They fashioned a filter of intoleranceclaiming that everything Trump said was a dog whistle, a secret noise that only bigots could hear, and nodding at each other in glee But the irony is that the only ones who heard these dog whistles were leftists and Trump critics They could identify the racism, alerted by the secret whistles Which raises the question How arent you the racist, if you hear the whistle and we cant Why is it that only the antiracists who accuse people of being racist can hear the racist clarion call Interestingly, I can hear A has Take on Me when no one else canbut what does that prove That I am mentally ill Trump critics werent just on the left, of coursethere were many on the right, precisely because we had so many candidates in the running I counted myself as one of those critics Although I knew Trump and liked him, he was not my first, second, or third choice because I foolishly thought he had no chance A man who took too many verbal risks would end up falling flat on his face, sooner or laterand it would just take too much effort trying to explain to everyone that he was just kidding I didnt want that roleI wanted a president who explained my aspirations, not the reverse I liked Rubiohe seems pretty sharp and articulate, and wouldnt mess up in major ways Though the Clinton camp expected Jeb would be their opponent, they seemed to think Rubio was their biggest challenge He scared them the most I believe it was the dreamy eyes and that he also owned a boat , so that was going to be my guy I was wrong But than wrong, I was also a hypocrite Trump was a challenge to people like me who required the liberal vs conservative construct to see life clearly, and to also benefit our lives, and careers I identify as a conservative libertarian or a conservatarian, if you wish an exact label which was nearly impossible to square with Trumps positions on trade and immigration Im for free trade and believe healthy immigration is good for a growing economy But what I noticed was that Trump wasnt so much setting policy as he was setting the table for policy He was taking strong, extreme positions, so down the line, moderate positions could be negotiated and embraced I also noticed that his positions werent jarring just the right, but also the left They were looking at what Trump was saying and liked what they saw I met a mercifully few Sanders supporters who favored Trump over Hillary probably on the stands I liked least about Trump It slowly dawned on me that it was no longer about left or right, but about who could win Still, I assumed anyone could do better, but looking back, Im not so sure The bull Trump in the china shop traditional ideological boundaries made it impossible for anyone to get solid footing any It was his overarching message that reached Americans beyond any ideology No one cared about the litmus test any We were all slipping around, grasping at straws, as the ground sank beneath us The upside We survived, Kathy Griffin didnt This election broke people, but it also broke the lightweights who placed emphasis on emotionalism than on fact You saw them wilt, scream, and implode all around At certain times, I was definitely one of them Trump was a strange orange meteor that hit Earth and only took out those who couldnt take a joke. How weird is it that so many of his victims were comedians This brings me to my Sherlock Holmes Infuriation Trump Theory or SHITT You remember Sherlock and his work wife, Dr Watson Whenever they came across a startling event, Dr Watson was always expressing anger, glee, passion, or frustration He was an emotional mess Then Sherlock waltzed in and crapped all over Watson, with pure rational analysis Watson would say, Sherlock, Im in love with the most perfect woman alive I think I shall propose And Sherlock would respond, My dear Watson, that lass you are smitten with is no woman at all, but a store mannequin in the front window of Aunt Elenas bridal shop She is nothing but a collection of woven straw and plaster Watson would say, My God, Sherlock, how did I miss this And Sherlock would respond, It is what you wanted to see, my dear, perverted Watson Its what we call, in scientific circles, confirmation bias A lot of good books have been written about the rational gifts of Sherlock Hes the slow thinking tabulator of reason, and Watson is the emotive chap who feels stupid after Sherlock smacks him harshly with facts So whats my theory Oh yeah My theory Our media, when it comes to Trump, are all Dr Watsons There isnt a Sherlock among them All reactionary, impulsive, emotional, and rash Whenever he does anything, they react with shock and surpriseas if theyve never experienced someone who likes to screw with you Except for me Im a Holmes At least, now I am If you remember me during the primaries I was very much a Watsonrepeatedly saying, Oh my God, I cant believe Trump said that Holy crap, did he really do that Jesus, I cant believe he ate that I wasnt the only one But every day I was Dr Watsoning everything Im sure a few of you were doing the same thing, too During the debates, I used to yell at the TV, Hes our only choice for president Then on TV Id scream, He cant be our only choice for president I was a total mess But then, I stopped I pulled a Rachel Dolezal and changed my identity from a Watson to a Holmes So how did I move from the emotional to the rational First, I cut Trump a break I stepped back, rationally, and assessed, slowly, the entire context of his life First, hes a billionaire, and a seventy year old man Meaning, he doesnt give a rats ass any about anything other than what matters Hes lived a wild life alreadyso he doesnt care who his casual comments offend When he makes a joke its like when a baby farts Its nothing personal, the babys forgotten it, while everyone is choking out in the room But the baby doesnt care I also had to admit that hes never been in public office, so he doesnt know how to be that particular kind of phony I mean the phony that we all acceptwhich I call the mandatory fake The mandatory fake is the married news anchor who condemns unseemly sexual behavior while banging Dalmatians in a nearby hotel Being an old rich uncle whos never been in politics, Trump has no familiarity with mandatory fake There is, however, a different kind of fakery in Trumps world of real estate fibbery But such liessalesmans liesare deliberately obvious by their excess You know a salesman is lying when he tells you the car youre buying from him was only driven by a little old lady once a week to church, which is great because she lives in the attic above the church A salesmans lie is done with a wink and an exaggeration This is the biggest crowd ever A politicians lie is a promise that could very well be true, but never is Read my lips, no new taxes You see the difference Trumps lies are common and do not insult us, because he assumes were all in on the joke Politicians are daring you to go against your own innate skepticism which is always a mistake Am I Trump splaining Yes, I am For now that hes our president and up against so much, its no longer fealty to do so Its actually fairness Anyway, as a Holmes, Ive since reevaluated some positions that Ive taken for granted Ive looked at the research on illegal immigration and its effects on unemployment Ive also looked harder at crime numbers, legal vs illegal offenders Ive pretty much stuck to my original precepts, but I realize that ideology ultimately helps no one in that debate What helps is an ability to talk about all things, an ability to be flexible, to adhere to a greater vision that is centered on securitysecurity from criminals, terrorism, suffering in general That vision won Pot, Kettle, Black Yes, I was a hypocriteand I will point this out in many parts of the book, later on My hypocrisy lies in the assumption that as a TV host I can make silly jokes and petty asides in speeches, insult the looks of adversaries, and in general stir up shitbut a presidential candidate cannot This is inherently wrong, I realized, after some thorough self examination I asked myself a simple question If I had run for president myself, would I have changed the way I express myself Would I have stopped making jokes and delivering insults Of course not I would have done pretty much the same thing as Trump I would have said outlandish thingsjoking, of coursewhich the media then would recast as something said in all seriousness, as immoral, as the product of an evil mind Mind you, this is something I noticed among many talking heads After Trump ran, they all wondered if they should have, too One such host even said to me with a hint of hurt in his voice, I should have run Why didnt I Sorry, Lou Dobbs You wouldve been a fine president Now there are some things I would not have donesuch as mock a reporters disability But as it turns out, Donald Trump didnt do that eitherit only looked that way I assumed initially that Trump was a heartless prick, but then I saw a segment by the great John Stossel on his FBN show Stosselno fan of Trump by any stretchshowed other examples of Trump using the same body language when mocking a critic or competitor one of them being Ted Cruz, who has no visible disability The conclusion Trump was mocking a reporter, but not the reporters disability And yeah, it was juvenile, but was it hopelessly cruel, as we the media had originally thought No It just goes to show you that Trump can be a dick to everyone Hes blind to race, creed, or disability In a weird way, he might be the most egalitarian politician around, because hell tease a three legged dog, if given the chance Because he doesnt see the three legged dog He just sees a dog As you can see, it takes a lot to defend Trump And it raises the question Given the mountain to climb, why should you Thats a lot of work And that was my point about Trump It takes a lot of sweat to explain the guyso he makes it hard on you And the rewards might not be commensurate to the effort put into it I mean, he could lose Defending Trump is, in many ways, a long drive for a short day at the beach And during that drive, people are pelting you with hot coals Having to parse exactly how your guy was using a gesture to mock the meltdown of an adversary is a big burden And with Trump, a swamp draining bare knuckled bowl of sherbet with a colorful past, such burdens are an everyday thing When youre in a situation where you have to say, No, he was just imitating a convulsion, not a disabled reporter, youre losing And yet, he still won I remember complaining to Ric Grenella top Republican analyst at the time, now hes ambassador to Germanyspeaking about having to always assess and defend a candidates flubs His response was simply Go ahead, then, Gutfeld, you run If youre the better candidate, then do it Fact is, everyone needs explaining Everyone It struck me Hes probably right Even if I ranperfect little memy supporters would have to explain a lot of crap about me, too But Trump was tops on the big picture, so the other stuff was forgiven Its like Paul McCartney He wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude So who can hold The Girl Is Mine against him Or that his hair is now actually orange than Donalds One such thing I really couldnt forgiveuntil I recalibrated the contextwas Trumps joke about John McCains military service If you remember, he joked that McCain, a POW for many years, wasnt a war herobecause heroes dont get caught It was an absurd, idiotic commentif youre taking it seriously But as a joke, well, its pretty funny in a not supposed to be funny sort of way Larry David made a career out of this check out the episodes when he refuses to say Thank you for your service to a veteran, or Namaste after yoga class I realized that most of Trumps performances are performances Hes like a rock band doing the classics Build the wall is his Free Bird, and Lock her up is his Stairway to Heavenand they are fashioned less for debates and press conferences, and for Friars Club roasts So my view of these comments changed I imagined Trump making that joke at a roast for John McCain Shocking, blunt, and absurdmaybe even McCain would have laughed Trumps jokes operate on the absurdity of their, well, absurdity However, I probably wouldnt have made that joke And it turns out that Chris Rock made the same joke years before Because I dont want to take the heat And as for Trumpis there any heat that he cant take He cant be fired But I would also have judged the venue and the crowd Which Trump seems to have little time for But then again, I wonderhave I ever done worse And I think maybe in speeches I have made jokes about people that were crude and sometimes cruel I once told Dana Perino that I would eat her dog Jasper It gets no crueler than that So, by making this observation, am I lowering the bar for becoming president No, I am removing the bar altogether Trump is able to get 60 plus million people to overlook his unseemly comments, his taunts and impulsiveness, because he was exactly right on the big picture Sure, he colored outside the circle at times, but at least he picked the right circle Whenever Im confused over my feelings about Trump, I think of two people my mom, who died four years ago, and Andrew Breitbart, who died six years ago Theyre the only people I can reliably hear in my head, without having them present I know for a fact that Both of them would KNOW exactly what Trump is Hes a mercurial, brawling bastard But after all their complaints, they would find him absolutely hilarious If both were alive today, wed be on the phone every afternoon recounting the days events amid heaving bouts of laughter If Trump is making my mom laugh right now, and making Andrew smile, then frankly hes okay with me Their memories have reminded me how to take Donald Trump with a grain of glorious, hilarious salt Where Are We Now The funny thing is, for a while I thought Trump was going to win Then I made the terrible error of talking to an expert, an analyst My gut told me that the success of Brexit predicted a Trump victory I told this to a polling expert again, I misuse quotes who said, condescendingly, Greg, referendums are not elections Well, pumpkinhead, thanks for clearing that up When I then asked, roughly, Arent they similar in that polls may not reveal a voters intentions, if their vote is roundly criticized by the media And since they remained quiet about their true voting choice, the other side saw no need to show up The analyst said, and I quote, Shut up already about Brexit And you know what I did shut up My personal response to Trumpat home, among friends, watching debateswas This was the man But at work, it became He has no chance And it was because I foolishly let an expert tell me my gut was wrong I regret that foolishness to this day But now lets jump ahead Its May 2018, and cable channels are gorging on Stormy Daniels, Mueller, and collusion Meanwhile, whats missing from the news feed ISIS videos Remember those They scarred our retinas weekly They are gone for now Remember the North Korean nuclear holocaust Just months ago, we were going to die Cmon, remember the false alarm in Hawaii GONE So, what were previously considered existential concerns have vanished under Trump And the media response Porn and Russia Theyve turned a distraction into a disaster, because they had no other options in reporting on Trump They were simply unprepared to report on a successful presidency It was not in their bitter, infantile tool kit What was in that bag of junk rumors, gossip, porn stars, collusion Their careers are now predicated on squalid distractions that serve only to undermine a president And its a president in the midst of a goodno, greatrun Its my warning to Dems and the media If your goal is impeachment, history and the public will not be kind to you Both will view your actions as an emotionally driven exercise done to unseat a president as he solves a major world crisis My gut tells me The desperate they get, the better Trump does Its crazy and absurd that as major, earth changing events are occurring with a major existential nuclear threatNorth Koreanetworks are devoting a majority of airtime to a tryst with a porn star that happened years ago This obsession from a group of enlightened individuals who never thought sex was a big deal when their guy did it They overlook the possibility that if you asked the world if youd be okay with a cad if he solves world peace, the world would say Cool And that only someone as out of the box as Trump could have opened the door for this majestic development Its still too soon to tell where this is going, but give the guy some creditpleasefor something no one else has done So What the Hell Is This Book For Since I started my steady, profoundly bizarre TV career at FNC eleven years ago, the only real thing that people know me for, besides my delightful blue eyes, is my prickly, persuasive monologues Wherever I goshopping, commuting, windsurfing nudeI am hit repeatedly by the same question Whats Kimberly Guilfoyles addressand where can I read your monologues Ive tried to find them myself, and frankly the world is too vast, confusing, and chaotic for even me to look up my most awesome crap Also, Im no good with technology These kids and their computers I tell the cops The video with the donkey came with the phone when I bought it So thats where the idea of this book came from loads of people telling me to do this damn book How can I track down all these monologues After all, Im a busy guy with lots of hobbies basically I sit home in a bathtub and read Dilbert Then I came up with an answer Hire someone to do it for me One of these millennial thingies everyone is talking about Then when Sean finds all my monologues, Ill go through them and pick my favorites But this book will be than your usual run of the mill anthology Because unlike most anthologies, for this one Ive found the original work and feverishly improved on it Ive updated, edited, and updated some The monologues are still there, but now theyre steroidal Note I didnt change any monologue to make a wrong prediction appear correct in retrospectthat would be an immoral act, and I dont need of those in my life But I did cut out any stuff that appeared garbled in transcription My monologues are designed to do one thing tackle one subject clearly and concisely Whereas most essays take their time, mine cut in line and grab you by the scruff and say, You must hear this now Like me, they are short, straight, and usually done in under eighty five seconds They dont mess about They tackle a subjectwhether it be Trump, Obama, drugs, guns, crime, race, terrorism, feminism, progressivism, or pandasin under a few hundred words, and they do it in a way that makes sense of the world, so you dont have to My goal is to do the thoughtful thinking early in the morning, and deliver it to you like a philosophical Dominosso you can get on to other important things like buying my books or sending me pastries shaped like a unicorns head When I write monologues, my goal is to make politics bite size and delicious I think of Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi as Milk Duds And Steve Bannon is a Circus Peanut left out in the sun on a minivan dashboard Its not enough to complain about how bad something is, youve got to make it fun, smart, and persuasive One thing Ive learned in my tumultuous life The left is great at selling bad ideas the right is awful at selling good ideas My monologues are an attempt to help the right have a fighting chance in the battlefield of ideas Yes, thats a bit Napoleonicbut heightwise, I am sort of qualified, no My goal in these monologues is to be funny and clearnot angry and bitter Mad, after all, is short for madness So I look for ways to deal with a topic that I might try to articulate at a bar, to a friend were I to have one I want it to be memorableand the only way to do that, in my mind, is to make it relatable Hence, this awesome book If youre a regular viewer of The Five and The Greg Gutfeld Show, these should sound wonderfully familiar However, they should also sound amazingly new, for Ive drenched the monologues in additional material and personal afterthoughtsmarinating them in my toasty brain pan and augmenting the original material with stuff I wish I had said, or explanatory material thats necessary now that the monologues are without all those lovely accompanying television visuals Its like discovering your favorite album remixed by someone who might be on mushrooms On The Five, I took aim at progressive politics, as well as the members of the left wing media, academia, and entertainment industry who push such inane politics My recurring themes Obama catered to the antipolice sentiment The Democrats champion bureaucracy over the individuala bureaucracy could therefore be well armed and protected not so much the individual The Dems, including Hillary, championed the group over the individualidentity over the kind of rugged individualism that made us ALL Americans Obama championed issues du jour of his fellow liberals such as climate change while belittling the fear of terror he might tell you that youre likely to get struck by lightningleaving out the fact that lightning does not plan night and day to kill youthe way al Qaeda, ISIS, and tequila do So after many requests, I finally decided to gather up the best monologues and put them together in this fat, glorious book However, I realized this job isnt as easy as I expected it to be In fact, it was brutally hard First, out of a thousand plus monologues, I had to pick the very best two hundredwhich is like choosing your favorite two hundred children from a thousand I imagine this is how Genghis Khan and Kirk Douglas must have felt But beyond even that, I was faced with some scary propositions What if the monologues didnt hold up over time What if times have changed so abruptly and monumentally that today makes a fool of yesterdays perspective Right now I am deleting all the monologues on what a great president Martin OMalley would be What if people I harshly criticize are now dead Would it be fair or right to include those Well, yes and no See, I needed a solution that went beyond packaging these monologues willy nilly an underused word, if you ask me I needed to point out where my monologues proved prescient or idiotic So far that ratio is about 75 25 So, Im not going to make it easy on myself In fact, this kind of book is actually way harder than simply writing a fresh book about the current political landscape Instead, Im reading a book and writing one at the same timemarking my words as an editor might I am you, trying to make sense of mea job I wouldnt wish on anyone So, thats the book Ive broken down the topics into their own chapters and put the monologues in chronological order Im trying to make it as easy as possible to follow, even as I make it as confusing as possible to read But in doing so, Ive stumbled back into a realization I made during the 2016 election season And its one that should be a topic for my next bookthat the confusion, anger, and disbelief from the last five years are the result of the death of ideology The conservative vs liberal paradigm crumbledseemingly on both sides Trumps entrance helped create this dissolution His past of floating above both political partiesswitching allegiances, playing off the expectations and greed of both sidesled to a present candidate who had little time for the old game of ideology He just wanted to win Hes the guy who didnt get the memo There was no right, left, Republican or Democrat You could be anything, at any time, as long as you were persuasive, brutal, and funny Only a creature like this could be so audacious to think he could destroy ISIS and solve North Korea No typical politician could be this crazy and this savvy Or so willing to try anything So, in short, this is not your grandmothers anthology Hell, its not even your step great uncle who sells meth under a bridge anthology This is the first anthology in which the writer picks apart his own work, and admits when it works and when it sucks But this was a weird process The transcriptions culled for these monologues were sometimes muddled At some point, I couldnt make heads or tails of the things I was purported to have said Theres a section where the transcript claims I say, near the end of a monologue, that it sucks balls If I truly said that, I would have been sent home for a month without pay now, it could be that I was, and I dont remember So forgive me, I used a little artistic license when cobbling these Gregalogues together Sometimes its impossible to get anything word for word I either smoothed something over that seemed confusing or eliminated some car crash of words that made my head hurt every time I tried to type it out on these pages So, with that, I say good luck and enjoyGreg Gutfelds monologues are actually like dialogues a funny, smart, sometimes crackpot conversation among the many Gregs the punk rock Greg, the Fox News Greg, the gimlet eyed Observer Greg, and even the Hipster Libertarian Greg All of the Gregs are here in the book, in hilarious form, and Im still laughing in awe Rob Long Ive watched every one of Gutfelds monologues live, and I still cant wait to read them Theyre that good Tucker Carlson If Mark Twain were alive today, he would be the oldest man in the world but he would also be, Im convinced, a Gutfeld fan Walter Kirn, New York Times bestselling author of Up in the Air Greg Gutfeld is both smart and funny Thats a dangerous combo King Buzzo, The Melvins The Gutfeld Monologues Greg Gutfeld The CLASSIC RANTS FROM THE FIVE With so much bonus material it will make you sick An interactive and annotated collection of Fox News star New York Times bestselling author s sharp, hilarious monologues on everything from politics to pop culture updated with new commentary for the current Book by INTRODUCTION Now Then, All Crap in Between It a humbling experience have written book called How be Right, then begin explaining how I got something wrong As Dissected By Walter Kirn Jun , talks Up Air Harper Magazine columnist, Kirn dissects book, Audiobook In Monologues, he brings together his best favorite this funny, unconventional longtime fans alike This isn t your grandmother anthology Signed Book Hardcover Edition Classic Rants Five is autographed bookplate A dynamic paints America as hopelessly corrupt irredeemable doesn offer any alternative or remedy nothing but list pet peeves and, such, not worth effort reading seller On Air powered For video troubleshooting help click here Business Channel Finder Find Network area should easy day Greg Signing If missed LiveSigning chance submit questions Gutfeld, there still good news too late get copy personally signed Five are actually like dialogues smart, sometimes crackpot conversation among many Gregs punk rock Greg, gimlet eyed Observer even Hipster Libertarian Ebook Read using Google Play Books app PC, android, iOS devices Download offline reading, highlight, bookmark take notes while read Listen Instantly Updated annotations, hindsight, up minute what wrong, iBooks Jul free sample buy You can iBooks iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, Mac Wikipedia Gregory John born September an American television personality, author, editor, producer, blogger He one hosts Five, NewsSince May has hosted Show ChannelGutfeld was host Red Eye w Kindle edition once device, phones tablets Use features bookmarks, note taking highlighting Official guest today Director Center Economic Freedom at Freedomworks Tamny They discuss latest End How Much Is Salary Net Worth Enter counter that harangue Each Mr successfully tackles Shows includes parodies events interviews newsmakers, media personalities critics airs Saturday Nights pm EST GET TICKETS TO GG SHOW Email email protected join Live Audience Friday Space limited VIDEO CLIPS FULL EPISODES Channel Watch weekdays PM ET Dana Perino, Jesse Watters Juan Williams issues roundtable discussion Books Million Online Store Books, Toys, Tech More books, toys tech, including ebooks, movies, music textbooks Free shipping Millionaire Club members Visit our stores, shop online Book TV Series C SPAN weekend, hours nonfiction books am Monday We invite comments about web site, programming, want Huntington Public Library Huntington Library HPL serves residents District, Huntington, Long Island, school district public library, profit organization member Suffolk Cooperative System To meet diverse interests needs community, offers fiction non Lawrence Person BattleSwarm Blog idea writing yet another article why Kavanaugh smears transparent garbage mind numbing, tweet roundup accomplish same thing Scored through marginal edits, scratch outs, themselves only seconds long, since they need fit cable show, well funny Like less intelligent version Thomas Sowell wanted light political audiobook listen enjoy writing, picked up, better than expected Monologue Insider monologue tonight, reacted explosive report revealed Obama administration allowed Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya NEW BOOK GUTFELD MONOLOGUES Classic Sundays Gun Control March April satirist, humorist, magazine cohost Prior joining Fox, editor Men Health later became Stuff, helmed Maxim United Kingdom, Greg Video News Ingraham Angle Journal Editorial Report Next Revolution Steve Hilton Property Man Story Martha MacCallum Worth, Married, Wife, Gay, Salary, Height year old blogger, who widely known hosting Follow guests parody events, talk key week biggest stories currently Saturdays, co Joining network contributor, Contact YOU MAY SUBMIT MESSAGE GREG BY FILLING OUT FORM BELOW SPEAKING SIGNING OPPORTUNITIES re Association, Corporation, University, interested having speak, sign participate VIP greet, please contact us IMDb actor, rather opinion show Originally staff writer Prevention magazine, chief been outrageous outspoken, neither which denies libertarian perhaps hit former program covered variety topics, news, entertainment, sports, gossip Meet Model Turned Photo Editor Wife Elena Moussa Short Bio California, US attended University California graduated BA English The Gutfeld Monologues: Classic Rants from the Five

 

    • The Gutfeld Monologues: Classic Rants from the Five
    • 3.1
    • 245
    • Format Kindle
    • 1501190725
    • Greg Gutfeld
    • Anglais
    • 16 October 2017

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